Welcome to My Introduction

Response to Meme Included, Excuse Spelling Please

2008-06-26T20:02:04Z

Comment on this post and I will choose seven interests from your profile. You will then explain what they mean and why you are interested in them. Post this along with your answers in your own journal so that others can play along.

Archery- Not only does my own culture practice this, especially the Scouts (which is where I received my earliest physical training), but this is a hobby of mine on Earth as well. I belonged to a competitive archery team and won the Nevada State Competition. I would have eventually gone on to Nationals, but my Grandmother was ill and I couldn't have left her alone as I took the trip. Still, despite the injuries its capable of causing during its practice (fletching getting embedded into your fingertips, blisters, the stringing hitting breast or arm, or an unwary partner shooting you with an arrow), archery is really one of my favorite things to do. I find that... well, it's difficult to describe. It is so incredibly peaceful... it's like a mediation, where the whole world bleeds away from you. Centering yourself and breathing slowly and calmly until only your target remains, letting that arrow fly and it's... It's somehow magical.

Cruxshadows- Reading this one made me realize that I either need to update my interest or go and listen to some of my old music. The Cruxshadows are new wave, dark wave, or gothic band, with a very interesting mix of sounds. Almost sleepy or lazy male vocals, interesting lyrics, electric violin, synth and guitar background with just a little bit of folklore influence in their sounds. Their videos are a little creepy- I find them hard to watch, but the music is excellent for when you don't really want to think... you just want to relax. Good for listening to when you want to focus on something else, like a book. I've seen them live a few times, mainly on accident by going to Wiccan festivals or other outside gatherings where they were playing. They're largely independent of any of the more traditional music industry, so it's fairly hard to predict where they will end up. I prefer music with a lot of meaning, so their poetic influences are very pleasing to me. That, and the violin. Generally you put a violin in something and I'm gonna like it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGjK6hKahU8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVNjx4k8mWk (if you knew much about what we are, you'd get why this song kinda tickles me ((this is on my list of top favorite hundred songs)))

Tell me if you like them and I may be able to recommend a few other bands to you.

Quantum Mechanics- When I first fully came to recognize what I was and what I was Destined for, I set out to either prove it was real or prove it was false. I couldn't step onto this Path without some assurance that it was actually possible for it to exist in the first place. I wound up buried in scientific documents as the observatory in California, or in the depths of College libraries. If you've seen the Nancy Drew movie that came out recently, you can somewhat picture how I got a hold on some of those things... my baking skills came in handy as bribery more than once. I developed a passion for quantum mechanics and quantum physics, which are basically fields of study focusing on how the Universe works... such as what rules are constant and what can be changed, the equations upon which reality is founded. My IQ is... high, very high, and I found that if I used other's research as my jumping off point when I was very young, I could... make extraordinary progress in the field as I grew older. Once I'd read everything I could find, it was like doors opened up inside my mind and how things _worked_ together, as whole and as their individual pieces, became.. more than visible. It was haunting and I couldn't ignore it. I'd spend days sitting up working on some new theory of mine... I have so many notebooks full of scrawled, cramped little scribblings even I can barely read about how Void affects the constant of creation, about how Entropy builds in the system and what balances it out, about Supradimensiality and the seven proven planes that hold some form of life. I've been published a few times, although never under my own name, by sending in my work to scientific journals. I hoard the copies of those with something dangerously close to pride. So... yeah, that definitely belongs on my interests. I've taught as much of what I've learned as I can to the Gaurdians, and now they themselves are working through the books that first inspired me.

Otep- I've nicknamed this my "Angry" period. For a long time, all the music I listened to was very, very dark and often directed with no small amount of bile towards men. Otep is metal band, centered around a female singer named Otep Shamaya, who often sounds masculine in tone, and can achieve things in her vocal range that are a little chilling. I'm not a huge fan any longer, some of her music gives me headaches and I prefer a bit more peaceful lyrics now... But I leave it up because it's part of my history and who I was, and because I often will recommend her to younger female Chreshlings who've had... similar experiences. Otep mainly sings about the physical, mental, and sexual abuse she experienced when she was younger. It's sort of... purging. After the fourth or fifth time you've screamed along to her lyrics, you don't feel so caged by the memories anymore. On one memorable occasion, about four years after she was no longer on my "favorites" list, I danced around screaming and yelling with one of the initiates who'd been raped often in her childhood. It was so cathartic for us both... by the time we'd listened to an entire CD, our voices were raw and we were a bit tear stained, but we were _laughing_ about what had happened. There were songs where she would scream out, "YEAH YOU ASSHOLE YOU DIDN'T BREAK ME!"... and by the end of it, she wasn't afraid of him anymore. I don't often approve of "anger", exactly... but I do believe in letting out the rage so you can move on and grow. It's in there whether or not you let it show, affecting you and every step you take. Every now and then... well, you get the point.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7Rh9Tm-qig (yes, the screaming is her)

Garbage- I meant the band. When I was child, I was wandering around a California park on my own and came across a free outdoor concert they were holding. I came to really like them, and I suppose I still do to a certain degree. They're... fun. I play their disks when I'm cleaning or cooking and giggle over the lyrics they sneak in. I own all of their CDs and like supporting them, since they've had such a hard time getting started as a band. Some of their songs are really poignant to me, such as the one from the short lived Witchblade series "Only Happy When It Rains".

Dark Cabaret- This is a style of music that's slowly coming back again. A lot of what I listen to already contained hints, and some of the so-called "Emo" music makes albums or songs with that contain a homage to the older days of music ((My Chemical Romance, Panic at the Disco, etc)... throaty vocals, sexual connotations with hints of mockery, even the instrumental is a little different. KT Tunstall is one example of an artist who is bringing back the sensual lounge singer influence into music, with just a bit of "fun" added in. A lot of the music I associate with you could be called Cabaret, such as "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" or even "Black Betty". But _Dark_ Cabaret is a little more... gothic, in its flair, I suppose. Such as The Dresdon Dolls or Pretty Balanced or Voltaire (who is funny as hell). Even Flyleaf has a few slower songs that indicate at least some experience or admiration for this particular type of music. Lots of heavy piano or violin, mainly played _by_ the singer. A more.... raw voiced, deep emotions sort of thing than you find elsewhere. Projekt, an alternative or gothic or new wave (whatever you want to call it) music production company puts out a very inexpensive CD about once a year that contains samples of this style of music in order to increase exposure to it. I admire the emotion and the passion and the poetry the artists put into each song... it's so damned poignant and strong and almost painful. I like to sit back in a bathtub and just... drown in it.

Pretty Balanced, Simon's Sleeping- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv-KphOXfPQ
Dresdon Dolls, Half Jack- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2njonoOMEU4
Dresdon Dolls, Girl Anachronism- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sO5APfKnR50&feature=related
Dresdon Dolls, Coin Operated Boy- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAnyYTjjhJ0
Revue Noir, Sometimes, Sunshine- http://www.we7.com/public/trackDetails/Sometimes-Sunshine?trackId=361946
Android Lust, Stained- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6fVhYTRVp8 (a little more techno, but they call themselves cabaret, so...)
Audra, Cabaret Fortune Teller- http://www.imeem.com/espectro/music/EYp8PjRV/audra_cabaret_fortune_teller/
Black Tape for a Blue Girl, Knock Three Times- http://www.imeem.com/heynowheynownow/music/WzPj8TPx/black_tape_for_a_blue_girl_knock_three_times/ (I really like this song)
Jem,They- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSLvcJ4I1mw
ThouShaltNot, True Love- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmYNfl-jUwg
Nicki Jaine- Pretty Faces (Which I can't find online, dammit)
Jill Tracy, Evil Night Together- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-gVk8Xs9cE ((I think you'll really like this one))

Voltaire- This artist belongs to the list above, but since you asked about him independently... Anyway, I mean both the singer and the writer. I own everything from both of them that I can get my hands on. They are both incredibly witty, snarky, and satirical. When I put this on my interest, I wasn't even sure which of them I was referring to. Candide is one of my favorite novellas, and thus far I haven't dislike anything the musical Voltaire has put out. He's most famous for his CD's that mock Star Trek but are set to cabaret music, but you might know him from a Billy and Mandy episode... it features one of his songs "Brains!".

BRAINS!- http://www.imeem.com/loaf1000/music/DiB6kRY3/voltaire_brains/
When You're Evil- http://www.imeem.com/zetaomega/music/uOEDt6MT/voltaire_when_youre_evil/
Goodnight, DemonSlayer (My husband jokes about singing this to our children)- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYXYhQx87wI&feature=related
The Sexy Data Tango (from the Star Trek mockery)- http://www.imeem.com/people/yGCV4/music/nf5pRg1h/voltaire_oh_my_goth_the_sexy_data_tango/

Stolen From Perzephone

2008-06-26T18:11:23Z

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the "world peace, etc." malarkey) - what are they:
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school:
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

akiima @ 2008-06-24T12:29:00

2008-06-24T19:30:24Z

I'm alive. Barely.

I'll be posting again as soon as I'm sure that will last.

akiima @ 2008-06-11T09:57:00

2008-06-11T16:57:35Z

Ouch.

That is all I have to say.

Ouch.

Jenna and Gary

2008-06-11T16:40:36Z

We plan to have Jenna and Gary over dinner tomorrow night, since we cannot exactly discuss Chresh business of such a delicate nature in public... especially not knowing how he will take it.

Though they know they will be coming in the next few days, I've yet to inform them of it being an eating affair. I plan on doing so today and checking for any food allergies I am unaware of.

My current menu stands at-

Irish Lamb Stew
Baked Bread (stuffed with ricotta cheese and spinach)
and a French Loaf

I have to serve two separate breads because of Jenna's lactose intolerance, although she did have a ricotta, mozzarella, and spinach calzone when we were out the other day.

She can have a little bit of dairy, but I worry...

Is it rude to place something on the dinner table she may not feel up to enjoying that night? I'm providing a substitute, but it hardly seems fair to present something that may seem appealing to her, that she has to watch everyone else eat, that she might not want to partake in that night due to her digest difficulties with the product it contains.

I would simply leave it out, but Irish Lamb Stew seems awfully bare for the table all by it's lonesome... perhaps, instead, I could hollow out bread bowls to serve it in?

The boys favor those in restaurants, but I've yet to hear her preference on them.

Or perhaps I could have some sort of cheese free appetizer set out, then desert afterwards, so that the fairly simple main course will not seem so alone?

Advice? Help???

And yes, I chose the stew for a reason- it's somewhat inexpensive to prepare but takes skill, time, and care to create. I was taught that putting effort into a meal was a sign of welcome and regard. Also- you can talk while eating it and it makes a house smell very homey.

Not to mention it's Kam's favorite meal.

Also... Wine with dinner or just wine in the recipe?

sighs

This is suddenly seeming very complicated. Worth it, but complicated.

Things I Need, Part Two

2008-06-11T13:46:26Z

In thinking about what I need to be able to do my job, I managed to make a list.

Have any of you ever *wanted* to spew all the poison in your soul out on paper, just to get it out?

I always make myself meditate. Force myself to take back everything I want to say... go over it again and again and again, until I know I can trust myself not to feel it anymore.

I try not to indulge... not to ever let any of it out where it can get a life of its own, or accidentally wound someone I love. Sometimes I write a little of it here, so that I can be a person and not just a machine... but even then...

I wish I didn't have to edit myself all the time, but that is so gods-be-damned selfish. I cannot go down that path. In fact, now I have to go kill the part of me that wanted to. Yay.

I guess want the stress to go away, just a little, in a more natural way... without an hour sitting in lotus, breathing deep and not letting myself feel any of it. I want the luxury of a "diary", like other's have.

But I don't have that right. I have to be better than that... so as much as I want to sit here and tell everyone what the list is, I can't.

Because it involves where it's gone wrong in the past and that isn't fair to two of the people in my life. I also know the pain of thinking an entry is about you, even if you later found out that it isn't. I also know the damage that words can do to both a reader's soul... and your own.

On the bright side... it is fair to everyone else, since they are so awesome, and because they rock.

They rock hardcore.

I think it's best that I don't let myself use this as I wanted to, in my moments of weakness. I think it's good that I try and strive to be stronger than that.

I know what "honesty" can do to those you love. Especially when the honesty is fleeting and comes from a moment of pain... what you feel one day can change the next.

It's like speaking in anger. It's never very wise.

It can feel really, really good momentarily. But it hurts so badly in the end.

It just isn't worth it.

Not ever, really.

Things I've Come To Realize That I Need

2008-06-11T13:27:52Z

This is a sort out of the situation with Zoria, just so you know. It takes a long time to reach its conclusion, because I needed to be sure of what I was going to do. Souls are far too precious to be risked with anything less than...

Than my full effort in trying to salvage the whole situation. And as much surety as I can ever manage that I'm doing the right thing.

I did find my path, in the end. I pray I made the correct choice, but I won't know until it's all over.

No one has to read this. The grammar and spelling are probably terrible- I wasn't concerned with them as I was working.

It used to be I did not need anything... I was strong and independent and I required nothing from from anyone. Because I had never received it.

But being that firm makes you fragile in a strange way... inflexibility leads to breaking, slowly but surely, because only those willing to rely on the world around them can move with it.

When everything fell apart and my mind shattered, reconstructing myself took time and energy I barely had to spare. In the end, though, I would not have won the war against the First without it having happened... it gave me room within myself to fight. I could stretch further than I ever had before.

But the cost was so very high... Things are harder now.

The things I had to accomplish in a day, in a week, in a month... they kept stacking. More and more and more, till I didn't have room to breathe anymore. It was overwhelming, and while my brain being the mess that it was gave me what I needed, it also made everything more difficult.

I had never forgotten anything in my life. I had never messed up, I had never...

I had never wanted anyone to help me. I wanted them to be Chresh because it was my job to find them and... and...

I had never desired anything for myself. I didn't even know how, so the first time I burst into tears when I didn't get to eat tomato soup and it was the only thing in the world I could imagine eating that day... well, understandably so, I was confused as hell.

It tore my world apart.

And then, as always, I put it back together.

I got used to requiring the assistance of others, even as I never really hoped or thought I would get it. I was always so damned surprised when I... when they found a way to make me happy.

The worst of it all was, I wasn't really sure how to respond. How to show them how much I loved them for it.

Even as they began to give me pieces of themselves I never would have known how to ask for... the pressure grew and grew. It got to the point where I thought I was drowning... the agony of how much magic was running through my body daily was draining and never ending, the headaches and nosebleeds were not unusual, but I could actually feel the cancer getting worse.

I'm not crazy, I looked it up and researched it. People with my condition can often feel their body declining, so thankfully I am not as nuts as I thought I was.

The Universe asked more of me than I knew how to give, which was really odd for me because I'd been giving since I could remember breathing.

And then it became my enemy, and I _really_ didn't know how to deal with that.

It had been... stable, for me. A constantly whispering voice in my ear telling me where to go and how to move in a world that hated and rejected me but it was still my job to save. It was the only thing I trusted in, the only thing I could fall back into and breathe for a while.

I wasn't... I hadn't _needed_ it till I was Broken, but once I was it was so fiercely a part of me that the betrayal hit me deeper than I knew how to tolerate.

When you don't depend on anything, it's hard for things to hurt you. When you aren't used to the pain of them doing so, it feels so much more fatal than it really is.

As things started piling up, I started _not_ accomplishing tasks I had set out for myself.

It was... brutal and...

I hated myself for so long. I still do. When I see dirty dishes in the sink or food smashed into the carpet, when I pick up something to put on and... I pick it up off the _floor_. I've made myself keep my bathtub clean by sheer force of will, and the only reason I manage that is because bathing removes most of the pain and I can wash it out before I get out of the water.

There is so much to do and I've never failed so badly before.

So I finally gave myself permission to need, because if I didn't...

Better for me to despise myself for requiring something than for the Universe to end because I didn't let myself go, just a little bit, and admit that I cannot do everything by myself.

Better that it hurts daily than that everything ends.

Although it's a difficult balance. I have to juggle disliking myself for not getting things down with disliking myself for asking for help getting things done with disliking myself for trying so hard not to fail and not quite getting there and... yeah.

But the thing is, it's not stopping people from... hating me for it.

My Grandmother and Zoria are the only people I can really pin it on with any proof to support it.

See... I made a choice a long time ago to put doing my job... being Queen and fighting and saving my people and protecting those I loved... before anything else. Before my health, before my sanity, before...

I tried so hard to find a way to make them happy and keep them alive. Billions... more than that really... depended on me.

I made the decision long ago to believe. You've all heard the story... I either decided it was all fake and risked everyone dying because I was selfish, or I gave everything I was to it and never looked back. Because what if I was wrong and it was all real and... yeah... My sacrifice was worth it.

I had to try, when I was with Zoria or Grandma, to do everything right all the time and still manage my duties. It was... nearly impossible, and it was never enough.

There was always complaints, even when I did everything right. I heard... the things they said about me to other people... most of it lies, some of it misinterpretation, and it...

When Zoria came out here, and we thought she'd move in with us and finally accept who and what she is and be _happy_ and for _months_ I did anything and everything I could towards that end. But our ideas of happiness are very different; I don't blame her for that.

She's so angry that it still stings me to think of what she wrote on her livejournal during that time. She implies I throw it in her face, so I'm trying very, very hard to get over it and move on... but the more I do, the more something talks inside of me that says... "No, no there is a lesson here."

"Learn from this, because you didn't before and it nearly killed you both."

Grandma I've given up on. I can't take her very unique brand of torture anymore. I love her, she loves me, we found a way to get along by admitting we never really will get along. I'm happy with that, even if I'll never make her happy.

But Zoria and I love each other in a different way... I thought we'd always come back to each other, no matter what happened. I was so content to know that.

Now I think that's a terrible idea. See, I found the lesson, finally.

I can't make her happy, she can't make me happy, but it isn't like with Grandma... where I can give up trying.

We"re going to grow into hating each other again, and neither of us can afford it right now. Our paths are so fucking different; I cannot even speak to her about it.

I want to swoop in and save her... if I thought it would help, I'd honestly find a way. See... for months now, I've avoided her because of the things she said and how deeply she wounded me... but also because I didn't have any time for her.

I didn't. I don't have time for anything anymore.

It's terrible but it's true. I can try and be what she needs and run out of time for everything else, or I can accept that even if I do that I'll fail her because...

Because what I would offer isn't what she wants. I know that know, because she gave me lists, in the past, of what she wanted and I did everything on it and still she said I failed. I don't blame her for that... either I didn't really understand, she lied again, or she doesn't know what she wants at all... but the point is, I failed when I gave everything.

So, say I let the everything else slip and ran in to save the day... In the end, it wouldn't be enough. She would hate me for it, as she has in the past, she would tell everyone how much I sucked and how I've not done as she asked, I would be miserable because our paths are so different and I'd be wanting so badly to steer her towards a happiness I can see, so damn close to where she is but so far away because she can't see it...

I see Paths, and I see where the Universe wants people, but I cannot blame them when they choose differently. Everyone has to pick; it isn't my place to judge. But I would be fighting my nature the entire time I was trying to be there for her.

I would lose Kam, I would lose the boys, she and I would go no where, and the Universe would end because she requires every single damn moment and I don't have enough moments as it is.

Harsh, but also inescapable.

We would grow to hate each other, when all I want...

Is to admit I will always, always love her but that I cannot do anything for her ever again.

To say goodbye and end this damned vicious circle.

I want her to be happy. I will put as much into the Universe as I can to see that happen. I will wish and pray for her.

But after I pay her the money on Friday, I'm going to ask that we never speak again.

Or maybe I won't... her mother is dying, her father and stepmother won't talk to her, she's ill.

I think... I think she doesn't need my drama right now. So I'll put the money in the mailbox and...

That will be the end of it. Forever.

I want... gods, I want so badly to go get her.

If things... were different, if it would be enough, I would go get her tomorrow. In the car.

I would work out a payment plan with her for her debts, clean the house and move her in, give her support through this mess.

Travel with her to see her mother... somehow I would get the money for the plane ticket or bus ticket or whatever. Be there for her the whole time.

Make her favorite foods and be there for her when she came through the door each night. Find some way of balancing the Chresh with her decision to not be what she was born to be... never, ever question or blame her for that.

Maybe I would have decided the same, if it was an option for me.

But I looked at that path.

It doesn't end well. No matter what I tweaked in it, it ends the same way each time.

I know us both well enough by now to see that the Fabric isn't lying to me.

I have to let her go. For her sake, for my sake, for the Chresh's sake, for the Universe's sake.

She'll hate me for it, I think... But in the end, the hatred will be less this way than the other.

And the damage will be greatly, greatly reduced.

I just hope, in the end, that that will be enough.

I Hope This Is True

2008-06-07T15:17:30Z

"The most horrible truth is that everything trundles merrily towards hell, and the second most horrible truth is that you're probably pushing them that way by how you lean. But the most hopeful truth is that despite every physical law pulling the universe towards entropy, it still gets there so incredibly slowly, and the second most hopeful truth is that it takes such tiny counter-pressures to save the parts you love." --Glenn McDonald

Elis Posting Semi-Weekly Conversation; BTW Sumpter and Akiima

2008-06-07T15:06:18Z

S: Did I seduce you?
A: (looks up at him, startled, from her book) What?
S: (frowns at her from his own over-stuffed armchair, set at an angle to her own before the fire, propping his chin on one long fingered hand and scowling somewhat darkly) Did I seduce you?
A: Um... (tilts her head, trying to sort out what *exactly* he's asking her) I'd say "of course you did" and compliment your skills at it, but I have a feeling that isn't the answer you're looking for.
S: (the lines on his face deepen in shadow when he turns from her to stare intently at the intricate mantle above the crackling flames) You could just be honest. Maybe I don't want to hear what I need to hear. Maybe I want to hear the truth.
A: (chuckles softly, setting her book neatly aside after carefully marking her place) People always say that, but they rarely mean it. However, fine, I'll humor you. Just please- first, elaborate as to the question you really want to know the answer to.
S: (slow nod, trailing his fingertips down his own cheek to the bandage gracing the smooth line of his jaw) (presses hard to it, ignoring her sympathetic flinch as blood blossoms rich and red beneath the sterile white color of the gauze) You read novels where... men entice lovers to their bed, generally children.
A: Ah, my more twisted books. The ones with no happy endings- Batman taking Robin gone really, really wrong.
S: (jerks his head in agreement, a strangely brittle gesture) Yes. I... suppose. Lolita-esque, with a predatory male debauching a child and generally blaming the child themselves for their own desires.
A: (nods) I don't really like why I buy them, but they help me understand myself. And my feelings towards my grandfather.
S: Yes, yes, those.
A: What about them? Why do you think it has anything to do with us? Or you and your other lovers? (she's watching him carefully, knowledge beginning to show in her eyes... she's starting to see where this is heading)
S: (his brows come together sharply as he searches for words) They damage these lovers. Their relationships, no matter what appearance they may take on of being loving... always end badly, with the child.... They develop a particular personality. (waves his hand elegantly, as if motioning past this point in the conversation, unsure of the murky territory of generalities)
A: I know the type. I've had to resist it in myself.
S: Yes, again. They aren't....
A: Happy.
S: Yes.
A: Okay... where are you going with this, Se'Corian?
S: I... (swallows hard) I know what I am, Akiima. Vampire, DarkLord, NightPrince, all of that...
A: (smiles slightly) SexFeeder.
S: Mmm hmm... (trails off, looking unhappy and very, very confused) I am proud of that. Recently I spent two days your time just making sure people still saw it in me. I felt like I was....
A: Drowning.
S: Yes... drowning, strangling in what everyone else thought of me. And now....
A: Now you're wondering, because of the novel I'm currently making my way through and my thoughts on visiting my grandfather...
S: If I am like them. Did I do that to you?
A: Or is your seduction, your beguilement, good for your lovers?
S: I know it isn't always. I know I kill, I know I hurt, I know I take what I need. And most of them take what they need of me as well.
A: I've seen you come back from hunting with holes in your soul, Sumpter. I know what you mean.
S: (nods, again, hair whispering across the heavy black wool sweater) I... I don't mean those "relationships", if you can even call them that. (he sounds... poisonous, venomous, angry at himself and those who use him even as he uses them)
A: (makes a motion of agreement, encouraging him to continue)
S: I... I am worried... that I am like that, with you. With Torick. With Kam.... not so much with Kam.
A: With those some part of you sees as innocent.
S: Hn. I know...
A: I'm nowhere near innocent, you know this, yes?
S: Yes you are... just... not...
A: I get what you mean. No, Sumpter, you didn't... I knew the cost of loving you.
S: Ouch.
A: And so does anyone else, *including* Torick, who is *really* involved with you. Not on a superficial level, not for your body, but for *you*.
S: So... just as we knew the cost of loving you?
A: (flinches a little) Why do you think I know so clearly what you meant?
S: Other than that you are psychic and incredibly perceptive besides?
A: Ah, other than that... Sumpter... (looks down, then forces herself to meet his eyes again, her own luminous but somehow shaded in the dim light, heavy with memories) I know that telling yourself that you loving them and them loving you and them knowing what they were getting into... makes it okay... doesn't actually make it okay.
S: You've been there.
A: Ah, yes, I have... it... it doesn't help. And sometimes, it makes it worse, makes you feel like you're making excuses for yourself and telling yourself your behavior and the wounds you place upon them is... are okay.
S: Dirty. It makes you feel... dirty. Like those men; like you need a shower but it will not help.
A: Yes.... but Sumpter... could you, could they, be where you and they are without that love?
S: (blinks) No... no, not really... Torick would... he would...
A: Fall apart. And so would you.... Things don't have to be healthy, to work. You just have to.... keep on eye on them. And watch yourself. Don't become... don't become selfish, greedy. Give them everything you can; ask for nothing.
S: (nods) Nothing but that they love you?
A: No, Sumpter. We don't; we can't ask them for that.
S: Why not?
A: Would you want it given because you asked?
S: (shakes his head) No, no I want it given because it simply *is*.
A: (nods) Exactly. Just... give what you can and wait.
S: (slow nod) I asked for you.
A: (laughs softly) But you waited. You waited and waited and waited until I said yes, you never forced me, you gave me time and you let me know I still had you as a friend... albeit a bitter somewhat horny one (they share a wry smile) if, indeed, I never gave into you.
S: But I seduced you.
A: But you allowed *me* to say yes, or no. You let Torick break your jaw on how many occasions, *DarkLord*
S: Point taken... thank you, by the way.
A: For this?
S: No, Akiima... (smiles at her a little) For saying yes.
A: (flushes)

The End

Four O'Clock AM Is Not My Friend- Spelling and Grammar Also Died

2008-06-06T14:47:48Z

I haven't heard from Zoria, but her posts online worry me. I'm trying to give her space- when she and Sumpter spoke, he gave her much to think on. She was to talk to us, I thought, when she was ready.

Maybe I misunderstood. I don't know if I have the strength to reach out to her; I do not know if I have anything to spare. When, before she goes, can I see her?

How many of my people will die if I rearrange my schedule to be there for her? How can I think like that... weigh the balance of one I love against time lost in a war... I've been fighting for so long I've forgotten what it is like to be at peace.

That is not true. I remember. I hold it before me as the hope that keeps me going. It's just been... so long.

I want... I want to be able to see her and help her and all of that... I simply don't know how. We do not understand each other now; sometimes I feel that when we talk we only end up wounding each other in our souls. She and I picked opposite paths... we are bitter reminders to each other and I do not know what I can give her at all. But I need... But I have to try, because she is my friend.

Sometimes I despise how different our worlds must be... that all of who and what I am goes into fighting, striving, protecting. That I have so little left... I remember being with her, for things as simple as meals and movies. I miss it.

I remember other things as well. Bubble baths and cold sodas, resting in the sunshine of the balcony with a book, the satisfaction of having cleaned, the smell of something I made baking in the oven, the bubbling of a spell I made... because I could, because I wanted to... not to save the world.

But this is what I am. I am proud of it and I do not regret the choices I have made. I only miss those who those choices have cost me.

We leave Saturday for Mount Charleston, where we will do a valley wide spell to end the Dark Eater, the "Void Thingie". I've spend the last few days extending the posts for the Boundary so that we can safely step foot up there.

It was exhausting. It feels as though I've ruptured something low in my belly, about two inches above the apex of my hipbones. There was quite a bit of blood and my wrists ache fervently- the veins look like so much blue smudged powder beneath the thinness of my skin.

I forced myself to eat popcorn, thinking the energy would help. It tasted like ash and scraped my raw throat on the way down. The headache pounding in my forehead hasn't lessened, either... but I think in the end this will be worth it.

Even if I kill myself to perform this miracle... it may save us all. I think, sometimes, about what the Universe told me it wanted, needed, in order to end this war.

We have such a chance at it. To prove we are functioning as Chresh; to show we have a future.

To show that we will be there, to protect it from those who are like us but without our honor.

We must be dedicated and strong. I am simply... tired. That will not prevent me from doing what needs must be done. We are so close I can taste it. I despair of arrogance leading me down a path we are not ready for; I work to know my motivations. To do this for the people and not for the win.

I pray only... that it doesn't cost the others more than they can pay. Fus has been so ill and unhappy of late- the lines of stress around his eyes are deepening, his skin is gray, and he says that he is lonely. I want to help; if only he would let me. Let us.

There is so much I wish to accomplish.

I study the hours of my day and there are never enough. For those I love, for those I serve, for doing my research, for doing my job.

I am so often told that it is not all on my shoulders... but it is.

Kamaricke, Kedaeris, Fus... they came to this realization the other day. I was crying in the bathtub because I was so... overwhelmed.

I could not make time for everything and it seemed so much of it was slipping away.

They said... they said that all this time they've been trying to get me to see I wasn't bearing... too much, alone. And then they saw that I was.

They asked to help. They're trying to help.

I give them credit for that, but I still feel so....

I feel like I am drowning.

And there isn't the time to save myself or anyone I care anymore. I'm too busy saving the world.

It doesn't seem right, when they are the ones I am saving it for.

Semi-Weekly Conversation Post by Elis

2008-06-06T10:02:49Z

S: (studies her from across the maps, the tiny figures that represent their army looking so insignificant against the masses of the enemies against them) I have something to say.
A: (looks up at him, cup of tea half-way to her mouth, the nearly permanent frown line between her dark brows deepening for one long moment before it soothes and she nods) Hmm?
S: I... don't know what it is yet.
A: (blinks)
T: (blinks)
A: Ooookaaay... do you have any idea what it pertains to?
S: Something about odds. And that quote you like from Narnia... and how we're so screwed but that I _might_ have an idea.
A: "Numbers do not win a battle."
S: That's the quote?
A: (nods)
T: Half of it anyway.
S: Right.
A: "No, but I bet they help."
S: (blinks at them tiredly) That's the rest?
A: (nods again, one hand to her temple as if to soothe an ache) And they would, too.
T: One Elite can take out fifty to a hundred of them, easy. Then the magic users? We should be fine.
A: (shakes her head) They're bending the rules. Normally we'd wipe the floor with them, but with them using the Universe against us... I just don't see how I can send my soldiers to the slaughter like that.
T: Elites know what they are, Akiima. We die for the Queen; it's what we do.
A: Dying for a _purpose_, yes, I can understand that.
S: With them still twisting the rules, this would simply be a massacre.
A: If you can think of what you wanted to say that could help, now would be the time.
T: And you can't simply... bend the rules back?
A: Not without irreparable damage to the fabric, no. Not yet... it's a slow process, and I need someone to buy me time.
S: (snaps) Ah ha, that's just it. (smirks and knocks over the figure of one of the opposing army's commanders) Checkmate, easy as pie, and we buy you time.
A: (quirks a brow before her brain catches up to her and she starts reading his idea off the air, understanding it even as he explains it (if you know her, you know what I mean)) I break them in small ways, just for you... Make you stronger...
S: Make them weaker.
A: You take out their heads and as many as you can, whilst I fix the underlying problem. (scowls suddenly) Can you wait for me though? On the field, do you need a portion of me?
T: It would be nice, but we can handle it.
S: Heh, Caesar quote.
T: "These powers you give to me, I will lay down..."
A: (snorts) That's Palpatine. And it's not really that reassuring. (pokes Sumpter in the chest) You better, buster.
S: Oh, I will. I don't need you coming after me, magical steroids or no.
T: Magical... steroids? (gives a perplexed frown)
S: Come on, lover boy, I'll explain it on the way.

Worried... Bad Ju-Ju

2008-06-05T14:16:50Z

So, I got everything for Eric and Celeste all typed up.

Ready for them and in excruciating detail. And then I fell asleep on the couch, because it's been a long time since I've done more than napped for a few hours.

When I woke up, five days of work was gone. Disappeared off of the laptop as if it was never there. My head wasn't on the keys; the computer was sitting to my side on a stool next to the couch.

I felt such a wave of... helplessness. This is the fourth time this has happened this week; the second with these particular documents.

The Chresh say I should take it as a sign... they pointed out how we've never gone more than three days without telling a maybe-initiate what we are and what we do...

They say that it is too late and that I should take it as a forewarning that it is not meant to be.

I don't feel right simply... discarding it as such. What if this is one of those things, one of those times when everything seems to be against you but you just have to push harder?

I wish I wasn't so tired... that my meditations would tell me whether I should look at this as fate or look at is as a challenge.

I do not know what to do.

I saved that work.

And it is simply gone.... after over a week of nearly _forcing_ myself to even approach it.

Should I look at that as well? How _difficult_ it was to prepare the information? To get ready to hand it over to them so simply?

Why do I not know how I feel about this?

How much longer must I wait before my soul answers my questions?

This Cheered Me Up

2008-06-04T10:43:02Z

This reminds me so much of many of the conversations I've listened to over the com-channels.

I'm serious- I can completely picture two Elites saying these exact lines.

"Hey, baby," says a warm voice in Tim's ear, "what are you wearing?"

Tim pauses in mid-note, and then realizes what's happening. "Long night, N? O's channel is the next one over." He looks down at his pad and notices he just wrote: 11:02 - subject does phone sex. He crosses out phone sex and writes laundry.

"How do you know I wasn't calling you?" says Dick, sounding not even a little flustered. "C'mon, what are you wearing?"

"I am, actually, trying to work here," lies Tim, because it really doesn't seem likely Wolfe is going to do anything interesting soon. She's still in her housecoat.

"Here, I'll start. I'm... mmm.... wearing a sexy little kevlar-nomex weave number with polyethylene reinforced spinal plates and ceramic gauntlets and greaves."

There's nothing sexy about body armour. Tim has fired rounds into dummies wearing Nightwing's uniform, and he knows a high enough calibre bullet fired from the right distance will penetrate, or cause lethal blunt trauma. "I want you to know," he says, "some of the guys on my team are less that two years old. And they're more mature than you."

"I'm carrying three hundred yards of high-test line, which, when you think about it, is pretty kinky." There's a contemplative pause. "Also handcuffs."

Dick has an ability to make a toothpick look kinky. "Is this even a secure line?" asks Tim.

"But back to what I'm wearing. I'm wearing custom fitted kevlar-neoprene gloves," Dick draws out the word gloves until it sounds obscene, "and a lace camisole."

"You are not," says Tim, and then is irritated with himself for even letting Dick know he was listening.

"Actually," says Nightwing, "It kind of chafes. My skin is very delicate."

Tim thinks of pocked marks from bullets, and puckered lines from knives. "You seriously have nothing better to do?" He thinks for a moment, and then takes the offensive. "Hungry? Because two hours ago I had what some people consider to be the world's best brownies. In fact, some people begged for them on their fourteenth birthday. Mmm. I thought of you."

A moment of silence. "You are a freaky stalker."

"Well, I guess they were brownies. Some kind of little chocolate cake thing? But more like fudge than cake. The inside was just liquid chocolate."

"Shut up," says Dick. "I hate you."

akiima @ 2008-06-04T02:53:00

2008-06-04T09:55:29Z

I do not know what is wrong with me.

I simply cannot seem to finish the post of what the Chresh are, what we believe. I think, by now, that it may be too late.

If it is, I am sorry. To Eric and to Celeste.

Thinking At Four O'Clock AM Can Be Dangerous... Dangerous But Sweet

2008-06-02T10:48:25Z

It is nearly four o'clock in the morning. I have been working since ten o'clock in the evening yesterday night and I feel as though I have barely made a dent.

Things that are learned gradually, with proof to hold in your hands and a group to offer you comfort as they destroy the bedrock of the world you grew up in... how do you explain these through e-mail or journal posts, mere words to be read?

No illustrations... not unless I'm willing to put up my artwork.

I could do that, I suppose. I hate the thought of it, but for an initiate's ease of mind? Perhaps.

There is a secrecy in the silence of my room this night.

Like the air is holding secrets, merely waiting for the time to whisper them into my ear. I keep finding myself amidst a... pausing, as it were... a moment stretched with baited breath, chilled spine, and pebbled skin.

Listening.

To nothing... and to everything. I see shapes float beneath the surface of my eyes... but not deep enough to truly touch my mind and I wonder... what message they may hold.

Wisdoms spoken when no one can hear but me... things I will not be able to explain so that anyone else could ever understand.

I feel lonely... and yet with them spilling dragons of shade and smoke upon the air, I do not feel alone.

Just... hopelessly misunderstood.

Semi-Weekly Conversation Post, by Elis

2008-06-02T08:58:19Z

T: (lays back against Akiima's chest, head pillowed so that he can hear her heartbeat through the swell of her breast, fingers tangled with her own and long legs stretched out before them both from where they sit on the floor, her back to Sumpter's chest and Sumpter's back to the front of the desk) Hmmm. (takes a slow, deep breath, tension fading from his shoulders ever-so-slowly, as he soaks in her presence and relaxes a little more with every taste of her scent)
A: (strains forward a little to brush her lips over his forehead, then leans back again with a happy little sigh) You've been so busy, I haven't seen you in nigh on a month.
T: (slow nod, his hair a slick whispering sigh of black silk as it slides over her gauzy dress) I have missed you both so much.
S: (reaches his arm around her waist, stroking his fingers through the dark mahogany spread... in a very "Sumpterish" gesture, managing to sweep them along the sensitive under-curve of her Akiima's naughtier bits at the same time, causing her to shiver slightly...) And we have missed you... you should not stay away so long. It makes you ill.
T: (nods again, an unhappy line appearing between his arching, elegant brows) I need to figure out a better way of approaching my schedule. I haven't had time to kill anyone in _months_ and that's... well that's...
S: What we do.
T: (tilts his head in firm affirmation, blushing as his cheek slides against the boning of Akiima's corset) Exactly. See, _you_ understand that-
S: (interrupts with a wicked grin) Vampire.
T: Yes, just that, but... I mean.. you understand _me_. I hate these long days with Council members. They all look at me as if I'm insane or dangerous or... tainted by human contact.
A: Well, we are all three.
T: Yes, but still, they actually look at me as if I _am_. I mean, they _dare_ that. Completely dismissing that if they're right, which they are, you know... I'm dangerous, insane, and tainted by human contact, and they shouldn't _risk_ staring at me that way. I might you know... snap, or something.
S: Wouldn't that be fun.
A: (giggles- (she would say "chuckled in a girl-y manner")- eyes crinkling with mirth) Oh, I can just see it now. There go the space controls!
S: (snickers) Oooh, watch out for the flying jewelry.
T: Gods, I can just see it. I'd be in the midst of a gory slaughter, and they'd be complaining about me upsetting their hair-do.
S: Oh no, you ripped my dress! This is real Aruvian silk, you know!
A: Oh, by the gods, you _brute_, it took me absolute _hours_ to get this pinned in place!
T: (sighs) They take all the fun out of murder.
S: Blas_pheeeem_er! There is no "taking the fun out of murder"! Murder is always fun!
A: Not when the person you're killing squishes because of how many cream puffs they eat.
S: Cake-eaters.
T: (frowns a little) This is a very _wrong_ conversation.
A: (shrugs) We're tired, we have an excuse.
S: Too bad that doesn't work as an alibi. Gee, I'm sorry Your Honor, I was sleepy and forgot my blade was pointed that way.
A: (laughs abruptly) Oh, wow, the images.
T: Ah yes. Really, Sir Regent, I blinked and the next thing you know he was walking forward onto my sword. I really was snoring away, I didn't think he'd just _impale_ himself like that.
A and S: That sounded so dirty. (blink at each other; laugh)
T: ...I'm glad to be home.
A and S: (smile)

Fus's Deadline Joke, Alah PotC

2008-06-02T06:51:10Z

"I love deadlines. I like to laugh at them as they whiz me by."

With added sound-effects, too.

Nyyyyyyyeeeoooowwwhhhhmmmm.

Yay, My Days

2008-06-02T06:47:34Z

I am almost done with the first part of the post.

I didn't have a single moment to work on it this weekend; things were just... incredibly crazy here. And I've spend the whole time worrying about Zoe, since I never heard back from her after the last time we talked, even though she said she'd stay in touch.

So, yes...

Anyway- I should have it up soon, but you never know.... Come hell or however, I suppose.

All I can even notice right now is how the world is sort of trembling around the edges... a sure sign that I should stop drinking black tea and actually go to sleep sometime tonight.

But I have way too much to do, too little of an amount of time in which to do it, and my deadlines? Don't wait, generally have fangs or other ways of making their "point" (snicker), and are not really friendly. Or particularly patient.

I'd ask you to wish me luck, but I think I've learned my lesson on that scale.

BTW- the air still smells like Demon blood... is it sad or strange that I regret they're are dying to help us? With centuries of war and violence between us, I can still think of them as "people"... independent entities capable of acting contrary to their nature, environment, and nurturing.

As we all say, demon babies are babies too.

akiima @ 2008-05-30T22:22:00

2008-05-31T05:44:45Z

I'm sorry that it is taking me so long for me to get around to posting the information for the new maybe-initiates... and anyone else who may be reading.

It's been... hectic. But I will try my best to not let that be an excuse any longer.

My goal is to have it up by tomorrow.

Whether or not I will achieve that, I have no idea.

Semi-Weekly Conversation Post

2008-05-29T13:52:32Z

Posted by Elis and Torick
A: You know... (wiggles the lock experimentally) If I'm asked about this, I'm going to have to say I have no idea what they're talking about.
S: (helps her lift the window as silently as possible) (slants her a look) That would be lying.
A: No, seriously. I have no knowledge of you, your actions or your doings or your _notions_, and I have no freaking clue what you were doing _creeping into the house of a COUNCIL member at three in the bloody morning_!
S: That was a particularly loud whisper. (slips in) You know, you are _helping_ me. I could have come alone.
A: Oh, and tripped every alarm he has against the dead? You need me shielding you, you asshole, and I need you not to be rotting in jail blaming the whole thing on me!
S: HE stole from ME.
A: So you're going to steal it back!?
S: To GIVE it to you! See? See there, how noble my efforts are?
A: (sighs softly, walking through the parlor/office area they had entered, creeping through the shadows like smoke... and relying rather heavily on the sight, sound, and presence barriers she has up to protect them from being noticed) We're so lucky he's all old and deaf and stuff.
S: (snorts) And dumb. AND dishonest.
A: Says the man BREAKING AND ENTERING.
S: (glares) Says the woman who is WITH ME, doing so.
A: I'm here under duress. And I'll swear that under oath, too.
S: How am I _duressing_ you?
A: That isn't a word. And you're.... duressing... me by guilt tripping me about how much you went through to GET that damned thing.
S: Well, I _DID_ go through a lot. And you'll like it, when you get it.
A: It would help if I knew what the oh-so-illusive _it_ was. All I saw was the box.
S: (snorts)
A: What?
S: The box is worth it, believe me. And here it is. (holds it up triumphantly)
A: Great, wonderful, can we _go_ now?
S: (shakes head) Not until we do one last thing.
A: Oh gods, what now. I can't _let_ you poison anything. He took the damn thing through legal channels-
S: STOLE it through legal channels.
A: And he's actually a good Council Member, dammit!
S: The lights are so going to come on any second now. Like, in all the movies you watch-
A: We're going. (shoves him towards the window, not very gently)
S: But I wanted to prank _something_!
A: No, leaving. Then you are going to open the stupid box and show me why all of this was worth this, when we could have just asked Torick to get it or you know... _beamed_ it back into our hands.
S: (frowns, hesitating on the cusp of the windowsill, straddling both sides with his long, lean legs) (looks honestly befuddled, puzzlement written across his features) What would be the fun in that?
A: Oh for gods' sakes! (pushes him, hard enough to bruise his genitals against the sill)
S: (winces)(hisses) Ow!
A: Move. We're going home. I don't even care what's in the box anymore.
S: Fine, fine. And you so still do.

------
(later, much later, over glasses of mulled wine and a few snacks, ie- a nicked vein for Sumpter and light, fluffy pastries stuffed with cheese for Akiima...)

A: (picks crumbs off her lap, smiling to herself a little) You bought me a ring.
S: No, I (takes a long slow sip) _found_ you a ring, fought for the ring, bled for the ring, nearly _died_ for the ring, then I stole you the ring. IN the box. It was never, actually, payed for in anything resembling cash.
A: (smiles a little, looking at peace and a little drugged) Okay, so you got me a ring through a very thorough adventure involving dashing and daring-do and swashbuckling and the like-
S: More like space piracy, but still...
A: (nods sort of drunkenly at him- not from the wine, but from being relaxed and tired) You got me a ring.
S: (smiles) Yes.
A: Are we getting married? (snickers)
S: (shakes his head, joining in her laughter) No, no, sugar, we most certainly are not. You just... deserved something pretty and special. And that ring is... most certainly special.
A: (lifts it to the light, examining the eye (seriously, the ring is fucking huge, spanning three and a half of her fingers, with a real eyeball in it) within, that meets her own and sort of... looks her over, in a creepily distinct manner) It's blue. And it's pretty. But I think it might make a better bracelet.
S: (laughs softly) Yes, well. I just love you because you actually think it's pretty, instead of just sitting there making cracks that only a Vampire would find it so.
A: I can still make those jokes. I thought them... but it is, pretty. And it does... suit me.
S: (nods) Just... be happy. You got out of the DarkTower, you went on a journey, you pissed of and pulled one over on a Council member simultaneously, we spent time together, you got a gift...
A: And now I own something of yours I didn't have to steal.
S: (snuggles up to her, tucking her under his chin against her chest, as if she could hear his heartbeat) I still want that sweater back.
A: (strokes the ring idly) Over my dead body. Or... well, not yours, because I wouldn't bury you in it and you're already dead.
S: Hmm... I love you, 'Kiimas.
A: I love you too.

Goodnight

Thinking

2008-05-29T06:14:55Z

The Izzunians were pacifists, before Lyli'ithandra destroyed our world, killed our Queen, and began to hunt us across the Universe.

Chaos, Lyli'iescerious, never asked my people whether they wanted to be the tools by which the First would achieve their fall. He never spoke to them about how his blood would haunt us in our veins, how his plans would test us, how many would die.

He did not tell the Gaurdians that their Queens would perish, one by one, trying to make the impossible possible.

But we are what we are. And we have become proud to serve. We are pieces of a fragile Universe, struggling to find our places, to hold it together.

We do not wish to fight, but that is what we do. That is what we are.

There is more blood on my hands than I have ever cared to think about... or ever been allowed to forget.

I have used my friends, lost my family, and butchered millions.

I have been called a War Monger and still refused to turn away from a battle, knowing that my acquiescence will only mean someone else will pay, instead of me and mine and those who are trained to take the pain.

I am not a good person.

But I am a survivor.

And so are my people. Survivors, all of them.

We're the best at what we do, all of it. We are whispered of in dark corners throughout the Earth and all the other planes.

Not all of it is friendly. Bright lights, we attract the worst of foes.

Together we stand against them... always hoping, praying, that their will come a day of peace.

We have a legend of Nori, the PeaceMaker, a daughter of my line, who will come to the Spheres and make it so that we can solve the world's problems in a more... genteel manner.

I guess I have to make sure I live long enough to see that happen.

She gets to come after all of the battles and wars are won, the enemies laid low, the victory fires lit and burned out.

Sometimes I do not think it fair. Sometimes I think it's a myth.

Sometimes it's all I can hold on to, in the darkness of the night, when all I have to see is the memory of what I've done.

Tired Ramblings

2008-05-27T12:18:58Z

The shittiest thing about this night?

I normally _love_ doing research. Reading sanskrit, cuneiform, hieroglyphics... or Latin and Greek or... well, you get the point.

It's relaxing. Or it used to be, before things started disappearing off of my computer.

Ten or eleven bookmarks now, gone. The translations of the documents, gone. The websites? Gone or just... made really, really hard to find.

Damn.

I did not stay up all night again just to be frustrated by missing links and hours of fruitless searching.

I am supposed to be resting... I thought this was more important but I have made zero progress since I began at six o'clock this evening.

I know this needs to be completed. We cannot risk my death without the Books being full, without a record to be left, without knowing that the Chresh will not die with me.

I wonder sometimes whether remaining awake for days at a time is helping or exasperating the issue.

I am so busy... I wish that I had time for something... for me, once in a while.

Even just a bubble bath or to sit on the balcony and read with a cup of tea now and again.

I cannot take a spare moment though. If I do, the guilt hits so damned hard that I am wasting time.

I even feel terrible just for saying I _wished_ I could take a few minutes away from my schedule.

As it is, I am not getting everything done.

So much slips, when I am doing so many things. Did I used to be better at this, or did things just get worse?

Am I juggling more balls now or have I just forgotten how?

I hate five in the morning. Or four in the morning.

All my doubts come out to greet me; take shadow form upon the air.

The writing on the wall says I'm failing. That everyone is going to die and it will all be my fault.

I wasn't good enough, fast enough, strong enough, wise enough.

I didn't teach the Chresh as much as I should, I didn't finish the book in time... I didn't....

So many things.

I hope, in the end, that my efforts pay off.

I love my friends. The Chresh... they are my family.

They deserve my success, even if I do not survive it.

Gods

2008-05-27T09:11:05Z

Well, shit.

The original "Book of Proof" was lost years ago, unfortunately, when I went into the military. I gave it into Zoria's hands for safe keeping... shortly there-after, she entered into a hard time.

Kicked out of her house, drug addicted and alone, hunted by those who killed the leader of her group.

She barely remembers the book at all and she certainly cannot recall what happened to it.

Three huge binders, glued together, none of them able to close, full of research.

Since I was little girl, I had been going to colleges and libraries and museums, learning ancient languages and tracking my people through time, trying to find out who and what they were more thoroughly than the Chresh or Izzunian records could tell me.

I could read everything I wanted to from the Spherical documentation, but I couldn't _hand_ that to someone and tell them it was real beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I've held scans of archaic scrolls and tablets brought from all over the world, simply because a particular man liked me and was willing to request them from his colleagues.

I've often had to tell the Chresh about something I had read that wasn't available yet to the public, only for it to be talked about on the history channel three or four years later.

What bothers me now? I CANNOT FIND ONE OF THE CORE BITS OF PROOF.

I've found new ones, whole pieces to the puzzle that I didn't have before, but I can't seem to find this one again. I know it happened, but that doesn't really help.

I spent two years finding it the first time; to have lost it hurts very, very badly.

I found us in all the oldest civilizations of the world, in antediluvian myths, drawn on cave walls or inscribed on tablets or etched in hieroglyphics across the ruins of walls. I could find when we had left each one, all within a single fifty year period.

And I knew, from what I had read on Azzune in the journals of those who Crossed Over, that we landed... most likely... in Africa.

From something that might be considered slightly racist, I'm ashamed to say. We called those who surrounded us "Dark Ones" and wrote of many of the aspects of their native culture.

From what I can tell, it wasn't meant in a derogatory manner. Many humans referred to us by the lightness of our skin and the odd sheen it takes, like that of crystal or marble.

I even knew that it was built, most likely, of wood on a base of stone because it was described as being a temporary solution, meant only as a place to stay whilst the Izzunians decided what to do and where to go. We stayed for fifty to a hundred years.

So... anyway.

I know we committed Mass Suicide, and where we went from there.

But I couldn't prove it.

Until one day we're all sitting at home, watching the history channel. And on it comes, a special on a recently discovered African coastal settlement predating even the ruins of Gedi or Zimbabwe by thousands of years, made of dark wood stripped from the boats the strangers came on and built upon a foundation of gray stone. The local tribes still talk about it in their oral traditions.

According to them, tall white and very beautiful foreigners landed, built the city, and strayed only from it for the most basic of trading. They were attacked by one of the native tribes now and then and always fended them off with the least amount of violence possible (this is also in our records as well, and I had told it to the Chresh). Then one day, they didn't come out anymore.

Eventually, curious tribesmen wandered in and found them all dead, to the last one, some wrapped in a funereal manner and others not.

The archeologists found the remains of the boats and also... the remains of the people. Tall, slender, Caucasian mummies wrapped in shrouds and protected by the dry environment and rubbed with salts, most of which had fallen apart as they were not buried. But they also found those that _had_ been given actual funerals (in our records, there were deaths before the Mass Suicides, we had been there for a while) that were preserved in a nearly Egyptian manner, but with other traditions as well.

White shroud, preserved with jewelry and rich clothing, hair braided with ornaments.

As with the other mummies we wrote/write about in both the Old and New Books of Proof, their DNA was not completely human. They keep referring to this as "damage" from the centuries of elements... but other mummified remains are not so "damaged".

DNA doesn't change with the weather.

And, as with the others, they had "superfluous" bones along the spine.

We know these as the base of our wings.

My X-Rays still show the stubs of where mine would have been. And yes, they still hurt.

But I cannot find it online anymore. I did, at the time. On MSN, on Yahoo- they all had articles about it.

Now I've tried every variation of search words I can think of and I cannot find a damned thing.

Not about the settlement and certainly not about the mummies.

Nor can I find the one article I had actually _bookmarked_ about the Ki-Lin they found in Mainland China- blond... with a bone found resting near her forehead that matches her own DNA?

She wasn't much more than broken apart bones and scraps of hair, but still.

sigh

It helps, I suppose, that many of the current Chresh were there that day to read the news and watch the program.

I can't even find it in the history channel archives.

Fuck.

Neat

2008-05-27T07:06:32Z

Hah- since we aren't considered a cult, I looked up what we _would_ be called.

We're a "subculture".

We have a set system of beliefs, we practice in private but we don't worship anything or anyone, we have "members" but membership doesn't involve any sort of contract, imprisonment, monetary obligation, etc....

Oddly enough, Wicca and OtherKin beliefs are still in the process of being "decided".

Meaning, the government doesn't know if they should be referred to as a cult, religion, or subculture.

I almost feel insulted on behalf of the Wiccan culture.

Cult Thing

2008-05-27T06:35:44Z

I have officially read through every single thing I can find online about cults, religious law, the federal stance on such things, etc.

I've read the Nevada Constitution, the NRS, and... gods, so much more, including the highly helpful links that Perzephone provided for our benefit.

And here are my conclusions.

We do not qualify as a cult.

There are five things the United States Government look at, and we could only _barely_ be accused of two of them.

Nevada will also only look at cases that present a risk to their interests- anyone who brought us to their attention must prove that we are accepting funds in excess of five thousand dollars or that we present some sort of threat to Nevada security.

We are not involving minors, and even then, I didn't find _any_ mention of how the law views a cult approaching someone under the age of eighteen.

Plus, none of our members _are_ under the age of eighteen.

We are not committing a fraud, because you can only be seen, in the eyes of the government, as doing so if _you_ don't believe what you're teaching. We obviously do, so that simply isn't the case of things.

And even _if_ they manage to prove that an organization is a cult, that they're defrauding their members, etc.... all they ever do is demand that the money be returned. AGAIN- we aren't accepting money. At all. No one ever sees any jail time.

We don't keep people prisoner, we don't lie about what we believe, we don't ask anything of anyone... I think we sort of stress the term "initiate"... all that means is that we're considering you, we're going to tell you what you may be, and if you are... you can choose to help us do what we do, or you can walk away.

I read a bunch of websites meant to help parents sue cults for holding their teenage children, and they all said the same thing. Even if it is a cult? There isn't anything you can do about it unless they break US laws.

The recent fuss over the polygamists? Only got anywhere because polygamy is illegal...

They can get a cult on tax evasion, fraud, imprisonment... and we don't do any of that.

As stated, we don't even qualify as a cult.

Or a religion.

It's interesting... the law states that an organization cannot be punished for what they believe in, and it actually states (paraphrased) "no matter how illogical" they are.

To come to the attention of any legislative body, you have to have a certain amount of members, accept over five thousand dollars in donations, or perform acts of violence that harm civilization as a whole.

A cult can actually get away with not allowing members to talk to outsiders, not allowing members to contact their own families, demanding that members live in a building and stop leading a normal life (ie, paying rent, going to work, etc)... and more, without ever doing anything that the police force could use in order to arrest them.

It takes an immense amount of proof in order to even get them to have to repay donations, and even then it's done on an individual case by case basis... ie, if an old lady gives them three separate checks in excess of fifty thousand dollars, only one of them may even be given back to her... and then? Only if she wants it to be returned and only if she can prove she was under extreme mental duress or lied to in excess about what the check would be used for, etc.

And it doesn't count if the person lying _believes_ their lies. IE... if a pastor honestly believes that her money will save a family in Cambodia because God likes bribes, and he can prove that he really thinks that... or at least, if the prosecuting attorneys can't show otherwise, since the burden of proof is on them, she never gets anything back.

If it didn't make me relieved at how protected we are, I'd be really, really ill right now.

I'm a little shaken, how much a cult can take advantage of United States' Law. Grateful, but shaken.

The only thing we have to fear, is that if our names get drawn into the press ever, there are churches that will harass us rather badly.

That, and the Organization. But I'm trying not to think about them.

Fuck...

Like I said, glad... but sick.